what happens when a chaste and celibate monk falls in love and enters into a commitment?

click the image to see the glittering stars....I was so much affected by the on-goings in one of my friend-bloggers sites that i just can't help myself but to post something about love. and perhaps this will be the very first time that i am posting a lengthy one of an outpour from my thoughts, so please bear with me.

and when it comes to matters of love, what can you expect from a monk like me? i guess nothing. i guess you will say that i don't have any right to say anything about love because i am a monk, a chaste-celibate monk at that. i guess you may say, "you know nothing about love and the joys and pains that are attributed to it". but wait til i tell you a tale of my thoughts and feelings about falling in love in the present state of my life as chaste-celibate monk.

let me begin here:
Most people are called to marriage and sexual intimacy and children and family life. For them, the primary way of living chastely is by loving their spouses and their children with their whole hearts.It is more focused, exclusive kind of loving. That is not to imply that married couples and parents do not love outside their families, and love them well. Rather, the focus of their love is necessarily centered on their family.

for the vowed monk like me, the situation is the opposite. i vowed chastity so that I can give myself to God as totally as possible and make myself available to love as many other people as possible. It is not an exclusive kind of love.

Chastity is the best way for me to share my love. while many may love most fully in a committed relationship, for me this way works best.
And i did not learn how to be a good celibate on the day of my entry to Postulancy in year 2002, nor did I fully understand my chastity the moment i made my first Vows in year 2003. Rather, it takes time to grow into this vow in a healthy and integrated way.
maybe that's the reason for formations ...- they function almost like an engagement, allowing us to see if this way of life is a good fit! because part of that growth process is discovering what works for me and what doesn't, understanding the way sexuality works in my life, and along the way, finding out how to support a life of complete celibacy and chastity.
For me, it's pretty straightforward: I experience God's love primarily thru my brothers in the community, with those guests who come and go whom i minister to in one way or the other, and in my family and friends online and otherwise. But even so, and to do this well, I must have an active prayerlife. I've discovered that it's easier to experience love and intimacy with them if i experience intimacy and love with God in prayer.

My observance of chastity has so much to do with loving people. It helps them feel safe when they're with me... because they know that i've made a commitment to love them in a way that precludes using them, or manipulating them. it gives people a space to relax.
but the chaste-celibate person has to accept the possibility that he will fall in love exclusively from time to time. because this is an integral part of the human condition. it affects everyone, celibate or not. because if one hopes to be a loving man or woman, one will inevitably run the risk of falling in love. In my essential humanity, i am prone as anyone to falling in love and having others fall in love with me.... and my response to that however, is to love them back chastely as well.

A few months after my Novitiate, my master told me that as monk, i could almost certainly fall in love exclusively to a person and that others could fall in love with me. he said further that as human, i may fall in love because if i don't, then there's something wrong with me. in other words, if i find myself falling in love, what choices do i have to make and how would i respond to it?

Either i find out that i could not live a life of chaste celibacy and i therefore must leave the portals of my community, or: re-affirm my commitment to my vows and move away subtly and in a healthy way from the object of my exclusive affections.

let me tell you a story. two years ago, i found myself falling in love so deeply. the depth and passion i felt was enormous and completely overwhelming. i felt so sick and could barely eat and sleep. Compounded with these feelings was the fear that all these might be a sign that i should leave the monastery.
In the midst of turmoil, i met with my spiritual director and told him what was going on in me. He calmly listened to my story and then afterwards he said: "falling in love is a wonderful gift of God and is an awesome part of being human, perhaps the most human thing one can feel and do."
"But,... you know that you have to decide on what you want to do. You are free to leave the monastery, go back to where you feel you belong, and pursue this relationship, or... you are free to stay in the monastery and end the relationship.
At the time, leaving the monastery was a tempting idea, but when i looked back and weighed and realized things, i chosed to stay, and ended the relationship.
that was painful for me... for her... for both of us. but in the end, the turbulent experience enabled me to grow in wisdom about the way my heart and head work.
It also furnished me with good insights into the human condition that i've been able to put to use when doing counseling to our guests in need. In one sense, the experience helped me become more human and Christian.

So, let me end up by saying that sacrifice is at the heart of celibacy as it is the heart of any committed and exclusive relationship. That's why an absolutely essential element of celibacy is an attentiveness to an intimate relationship with God, who provides the celibate person with a different kind of love, which HE reveals in the person's ministry, relationship and prayer.