coping up...

In a few days, we will be seeing and attending school graduations again.
A great majority of students will receive diplomas and certificates attesting to the completion of their academic studies. Elementary graduates will go to high school; high school graduates will choose their college or vocational courses.

I graduated three times from school: the first was from a public elementary school in our hometown; the second was from a vocational public high school in the same hometown; and the third was from a teacher-education course in a state college from a city nearby my hometown. My most memorable one was my graduation from college. My classmates and I knew that this graduation was the only entry point to all of us in the world of industry and occupations. But I had other thing in mind: to pursue a course in Philosophy that will qualify me for an MA in Theology for priesthood. That was my consensus. I had other classmates who had the same goal and we all vowed to each other that we will proceed to Philosophy certainly. I was the most qualified from among the group. I thought so. I was mistaken.

The five of us were admitted for Philosophy. I was not one of them. The college rector told me to consider things and that to give myself more time for discernment. I can never forget what he said to me: that I was too stubborn and had my own unbending mind set. Under stress, I would push my opinion, inconsiderate of others. Intellectually, I was conceited. I still could hear what he said and it kept reverberating in my mind: "There is something wrong with you!" It was devastating. But it was humbling. It turned out to be cleansing.

I could have pleaded for re-evaluation. I could have begged the admission committe to give me another chance. I could have considered thinking that if ever I get admitted, it will be by the graciousness of God, not my own. I could have asked for intercessions from the Carmelites to pray for me. I could have done all these just for me to get accepted. But I did not. I blew my chance. For the whole of that summer break, I felt like I was in Limbo. I was afraid. I was hurting. I was helpless. I was insecure. I was in distress. I felt that everyone was ganging up on me.

It turned out that there was one from among the five of us who had the same evaluation like mine, but he was accepted! How is that so?

He told me later, in his helplessness, he did ask for a re-evaluation which I did not. He begged the rector to give him another chance which I did not. He went to the Carmelites and asked for prayers which I did not.

God answered him in his distress. The rector admitted him for the next school year. God is good. The rector was good. My classmate did not deserve the reconsideration but he was considered for a course in Pre-Theology. It was an undeserved gift. Now he is the parish priest of one of the dioceses in my province.

What lessons did that experience teach me?

First of all, it is God who is in control, not me. We are called not by men but by God. It is God who has the power. All is grace. No one is loved by God because of personal holiness, personal righteousness and personal goodness. God loves us because He is Love Himself.

Indeed, is there anything good that we have that we did not receive from God? It is indeed humbling to know that no one is really worthy. Only God can make us less unworthy.

I also discovered again the beauty and power of prayers. My classmate's prayer was a prayer in nothingness, from nothingness.

The Carmelites taught me how to be nothing when I pray. When the faith is much, you will also receive much. We receive from God as much as we expect.

Lastly, I also began to recognize the fact that no one loves and serves God alone. We serve and love God always with the community. I realized and saw how my mother suffered quietly with me. I felt the love and concern of my friends who all knew how I wanted to be a priest. I could not have carried the pain, the hurt and the devastation of that rejection without the moral support and help of my friends.

Nothing happens without God willing it. Now that I am a monk in Perpetual Vows, I look back to that past with a grateful smile, healed and made whole by the grace of God.

Bless you all...