a week-long monastic retreat

Nov 7, '05, Monday.
our annual retreat has officially started today:
this monastic event at this time of the year has always been very timely and right.
for this is the time of the year when monks inside the cloister, majority of them, if not all, experience varied inappropriate going-ons in their solitude and obscurity.some of them nurture weird and unusual thoughts like... "i want to do this outrageous act"...."i want to once and for all leave the cloister for good"... "i want to take a temporary leave and go back home and spend some time with my loved ones"..."i want to face up to this meanest monk inside the cloister"..."i want to face up to my feelings of falling in love with a mortal"... et al....
these silent thoughts and unspoken minds give way for such imbalance of each and everyone's stability, obedience, and chaste celibacy at the monastery.
hence, the dates of an annual retreat is just an opportune time to re-charge one's depleted monastic energy, fervor and zest...
hence, the retreat serves as booster to everybody in the cloister...
hence the retreat is a time to gather one's scattered thoughts and a time to re-consider....

Cinderella Syndrome...
my reflections:monks have been immersed at listening to the retreat master in his talk today about how slowly and deliberately, one monk especially a newbie in the community would get dragged by the thoughts of him as the only one working hard in the cloister. this is especially true to a postulant or a novice monk. it maybe because, a postulant or a novice has the largest number of tasks assigned to him in the monastery..."bellringer na ako,... sakristan pa,... guesthouse cleaner pa,... taga-pakain pa ng mga kabayong alaga ng community,... clean- the-convento pa ako,... cook pa ng dalwang beses sa isang linggo,... table server pa kundi man dishwasher for the week,".... these lamentations coming from a newcomer has indeed sometimes become a potent factor why a novice or postulant at that leaves the portals of the monastery... simply because they felt over burdened by these chores making them feel that they are the only ones who really work in the community, that their coming over to the monastery is defeated by these series of chores left and right assigned to them...and due to these, they felt they are failing to learn to really pray and learn the rudiments of monastic life and its history...of communing with God...of etc. and etc, etc... a "cinderella syndrome" hence is what a postulant or novice feels causing him to lose his real focus of seeking God in a more communal and contemplative way.

Nov 8 Tuesday:
On being sexually celibate against being sexually active....
my reflections: it is hard to be faithful to the call of a consecrated life thru sexual chaste celibacy. yet we, monks try our very best not to yield to doing "genital expression" as it affects our vow of chaste celibacy...as sexual human beings as we are, we are still confronted with the temptation of the passion of the flesh thru genital expression ...."maybe i will face this battle till my last breath here on earth.", i said to myself while my ears were glued to our speaker. sexually active monks are those monks who have failed to fulfill their vow of chaste celibacy and at the end of a certain time, ruined their monastic vocation and eventually leave the portals of the monastery... i told myself then: " i do not want to leave the portals of the Cloister". sexually celibate monks are those monks who are able to gain full control against the temptation of such act of genital expression(masturbation)...: "i am daily battling with that temptation", i told myself while the speaker went on with his talk.
the core of monastic observance then is: a monk must be sexually celibate all throughout his monastic life. such a great challenge then for me to remain faithful to the call of monastic discipline while struggling with my human sexual passion as it serves as a big stumbling block to the very core or my monastic life and its spirituality inside the monastery....

November 9, 2005 Wednesday:
the retreat master, who's also the speaker discussed three topics for our reflections today. they're quite heavy and challenging ones.topic one: monastic poverty.as compared with material poverty (earth's goods: money, place, material amenities, and the like), monastic poverty is addressed as the essence of a true commitment to living life under the full control and jurisdiction of the abbot superior of the community. the total deprivation of one's full control of himself-his future decisions and actions.my own reflections:= oo nga, materially secured nga naman ang buhay namin dito sa loob, materially provided in a sense na lahat ng mga kailangan namin para ipagpatuloy ang pakikibaka sa agos ng buhay sa loob ng monasteryo ay kanilang naibibigay= masasarap na pagkain, damit, sapatos, mga toiletries and good-grooming aids like skin moisturizers, hair care products,(pwera pabango), pati financial help for medical and hospitalization sa aming pamilya ay provided nila, relos, electronic toys like dvd's- computers- cassette recorders, digicams,cd boombox or walkman, ipods,cellphones= basta name your NEED and spell it out to your superior at ito ay kanilang ibibigay sayo. BUT....ang pinakamahirap na parte ng buhay namin dito ay yung deprivation ng aming sariling desisyun sa sarili- napakahirap sa aming nahirati at nasanay na sa dating buhay na nag mamaniobra ng aming mga sariling diskarte sa buhay, ang biglang bigla pagpasok sa loob ay ganun pala ang kalakaran at ibig sabihin ng vow of poverty na dapat sundin--now, let the abbot superior decide what is best for our life as his monks under his total care- now, let the abbot superior decide which electronic brand is the best brand to buy for his monk... let the abbot decide what is the best theological school for his monks. etc etc...and etc.before i became a monk- i was managing my own life-my decisions.-i used to decide and do what i plan to do for the day- and i take full responsibility of a total management of my life- but NOT UNTIL AFTER I joined the monastery....it's totally different now- it's impossible to still live a bachelor-type of lifestyle inside the monastery-it's not the type of life that's appropriate and acceptable in our monastic life.-that's monastic poverty spelled out so clearly. topic two: struggling with monastic fervor, battling with the "noon-day"devil(monastic term:asidia)it is hard to maintain a sound monastic life, observing and living monastic lifestyle that is acceptable and in consonance with monastic expectations, if one monk is constantly assaulted by his own noon-day devil in the monastery.my own reflections:it's indeed difficult to live a healthy monastic life in the cloister if one is constantly attacked by his noon-day devil.yun bang boredom na dumadapo sa isang tao?- yun bang feeling nya ay wala ng magandang kahihinatnan ang pakikitungo nya sa buhay nya at sa kapwa? yun bang lahat ng kilos o gawa nya sa araw araw ay wala ng kabuluhan sa sarili nya at sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya? yun bang feeling nya ay lahat ng taong mahal nya ay dini-dedma na lang siya? yun bang ang pakiramdam nya sa sarili nya ay di siya pinakikinggan sa mga dalangin nya? yun bang ang tingin nya sa sarili nya ay unti unti ng nawawala ang self-worth nya? yun bang pati ang self -esteem at self respect nya ay unti unti ng nawawala?, yun bang ang lahat lahat ng hirap at pagsisikap nya para mabuhay ng may kabuluhan sa sarili, sa kapwa at sa Diyos ay unti unti ng naglalahong parang bula?- ang lahat ng mga ito ay halos parehong pareho din sa mga nararanasan namin dito sa loob ng monasteryo. it is so difficult to regain one's monastic vocation and re-align one's monastic life to the total expectations of a full-monastic observance and lifestyle kung siya ay inaatake ng aking mga nabanggit. lahat naman kami dito ay nakakaranas ng aming noon-day devil. kanya kanyang panahon ng pag atake, kanya kanyang paglaban, at kanya kanyang pag-gamot.topic three: struggling with "genital expression"(masturbation) as a stumbling block to one's sexual chaste celibacy in the monastery (ano ito? repeat discussion na naman? kulit ng aming retreat master ehh LOL!)NOTE: the topic discussed for the day is dependent on the "one-on-one" conference of the monks with the retreat master the previous day- ...siguro, majority sa amin dito ay ganun ang topic na napag usapan with our retreat master.LOL. ewan, basta ako hindi iyan ang dinis-cuss ko sa kanya kahapon dahil hindi yan ang pino-problema ko sa ngayon LOL.my own reflections:it is hard to really address masturbation simply because,...first and foremost- malamig dito sa amin whole-year round being our monastery located on top of the mountain 6-thousand feet above sea level. -halos kasing taas ng Mount Banahaw sa Tayabas Quezon.secondly- ang majority ng monks dito who cook for the week ay mga mahihilig sa maaanghang na ingredients sa pagkain-like josemaria, rodrigo, and jose =all are mexicans who love the taste of chille in the food they cook for the day...therefore, three times a week kung umusok ang mga bibig namin pag sila ang assigned cooks for the day. anyways, ako?, pag sila ang cook ay nag "fa fasting" na lang ako=kesehodang mahilo-hilo ako sa gutom at the end of the day, ok na sa akin mag- sardinas sa cell ko!(madami akong stocks nyan LOL)and thirdly: two thirds sa members ng aming community ay nasa kasibulan pa like jose maria who is only 21, ...so the day ended with the monks so enlightened and re-charged from the topics discussed by our very smart and affluent retreat master.

November 10, 2005, Thursday:
today is the 4th day of our retreat with Fr. Joel, OSB and in his talk, he discussed and enlightened the monks with his thoughts about monastic stability.my own reactions and reflections:oo nga, mahirap mag attain ng stability sa isang monastic community lalo na sa mga bagong pasok na postulants at novices na nanggaling sa labas wherein ang kanilang pinanggalingan ay isang modernong lugar, matao at urban na urban ang pamayanan.---in my case, it took me almost three years to have had fully adjusted myself and get settled and be stable in the four corners of this community where i belong.naalala ko si michael, a junior monk na lumabas last month. halos inabot din siyang two years sa loob bago siya nag desisyun na lumabas... ang rason nya (daw) sa paglabas nya ay ang kanyang constant failures na magising sa oras at makapag attend ng punctual sa aming 4:00Am vigils-michael is just five months older than me- kaya siguro lagi kami noon na nag ka clash dahil halos pareho kami ng edad. anyways, going back to the issue kung bakit nawala ang sense ng monastic stability sa kanya: multi reasons kaya siya lumabas- una na nga ang kanyang difficulty na makapag attend on time ng mga dasal araw araw, lalo na sa 4:00AM Vigils at 5:45AM LAUDS..at the start, nakaka-demoralize ang kanyang mga late late sa aming mga punctual sa dasal lalo na si caedmon na laging sinasabi sa akin na "nakakawalang gana namang makipag batian diyan sa tulirong yan dahil tayo ay kahit magkanda handusay na sa pagpilit bumangon sa madaling araw at kesehodang magkanda dapa sa hilo sa antok sa loob ng simbahan maka attend lang ng Vigils, ay ayun naman siya sa kanyang cell at nagpapasarap sa pagtulog"...that's his usual complaint about him. my complaint was about his breakfast set up not done properly- ewan ko kung bakit eh may sakit atang kalimot 'tong taong ito pero araw araw na lang talaga pina- aalalahanan ko na ang plato ay sa tabi ng mga baso at ang cereal bowls ay sa tabi ng mga cereals and etc etc etc..pero after a day ay completely kalimutan na naman nya ang proper arrangements ng mga breakfast stuffs.....kaya the next day ay parang hinalukay ng sampung diyablo ang counter ng mga bfast stuff... i already gave up on him about that...ayaw kong ma -stress dahil lamang dyan!then the worst thing happened: isang araw ay bigla na lamang di nag attend ang michael buong maghapon--then the next day ay si anton naman ang buong maghapon na nagkulong sa kanyang cell- ano ito?... dalwa na silang "may-sakit" as declared and written on the white announcement board. it was strange na isang buong linggo ang dalawang monghe ay sabay na "sick"- samantalang a day before they "disppeared" sa mga mata namin ay ang sigla sigla pa ng dalwa. "something must have happened", i told myself.... tama ako- meron nga...itong si michael ay matagal ko nang alam na nag-yo yosi, kahit alam nyang nakasulat sa aming customary na "no smoking" , but still nagagawa pa rin niyang mag yosi doon sa mga kahuyan, nagsisiksik at patagong naghihitit nito... ang sa akin naman ay its not na walang keber ako , but it is not my jurisdiction to reprimand him nor tell our superior about his vice. kaya hinayaan ko na lang siya. as i told you,ayaw kong ma-stress!nang dumating si anton sa buhay namin straight from Vietnam, ay napag alaman naming dati siyang nag sisigarilyo sa vietnam, but we told him na dito sa amin ay bawal ang manigarilyo... ok. fine. naintindihan ng vietcong. pero sa tinagal tagal nya dito at sa araw araw na pag jogging nya sa afternoon at sa pag-takipsilim, ay nakikita nya siguro ang michael -in so many instances-and in so many areas of the wilderness and trees na nag yo yosi ito...nang magkakitaan siguro sila one day sa isang liblib na area kung saan doon si michael nagsusumiksik sa mga malalagong 'kahuyan, ay ino-fferan ito ng michael ng sigarilyo- so, since dati na siyang nagsisigarilyo kaya tinanggap naman ng vietcong ang offer ng michael...that started the "daily sessions" ng dalawa sa kahuyan pagsapit ng takipsilim...-until then.but andre, our Junior master and postulant master was just too smart to catch anton once and for all-dahil matagal tagal na din nya itong pinagdududahan dahil sa amoy-sigarilyo nito pagpasok sa simbahan--...that day na nag declare ang anton ng "sick" ay yun ang araw na tinawag siya ng kanyang postulant master para imbistigahan...dahil nahuli ito sa akto ng paninigarilyo the night before, doon sa may liblib na punongkahoy sa tabing-ilog at "ikinanta" nya ang michael as his "supplier" and his daily afternoon buddy sa kanilang "session".....michael was summoned too. walang kawala. ni hindi nakapag deny or nakagawa ng alibi ang michael. huling huli- it was found out too, by andre na nagtatago ang michael ng pake-paketeng sigarilyo sa cell nya at nagtatago ito ng cash na siya nyang ipinambibili ng pake-paketeng yosi pag inuutusan siya ng aming Prior na bumili ng pagkaing "hay" ng aming mga kabayo linggo linggo.- isang bagay na ipinagbabawal sa amin ang maghawak ng pera sa aming mga wallets...= the discovery and confirmation was just too much for the superiors to bear. and for michael too... the following week -nang mag "resurrect" ang michael sa community brothers ay formally nagpaalam ito in front of the whole community members that he was leaving for good.....hindi na kami na-shock.. may kanya kanya ng mga hinala ang lahat kung bakit....hindi na namin pinag usapan in public ang mga dahilan ng pag alis nya.....it was tantamount to talk about it behind him....(but i guess, everybody knew about the real score).kaya ang sikreto ng endurance and perseverance dito sa loob ay: "live a clean life-and follow the customary"- so that you can be faithful to your vow of stability na sa aking pagkaintindi ay "staying-power" ng isang monk to go on with his life inside the cloister despite the odds.

Nov 11, 05 Friday:
retreat ends today with Fr Joel giving us summary of the topics he gave us since Sunday evening. his talk was followed shortly by the participants' photo session.




Left to Right:Front Row-Dom Benedict-German(Claustral Oblate), Sr, Frances-vietnamese, Sr Mary-european, Dom Marcus-pinoy, Dom Anton-vietnamese, Me, Dom JosephGabriel-american, Dom Josemaria-mexican, postulant Lyn-vietnamese.Middle Row-postulant from Benedictine Nuns of Pecos-american, Sr Helen-pinay,-from BN of Pecos too, Sr Therese-vietnamese, Mother Juianne-american, Dom Odon-vietnamese, Dom Prior Christian-american,Fr Joel-Retreat Master-american, Dom Abbot Philip-our main Superior and american too, Dom Xavier-hermit, american-, Sr kateri-hispanic american, Mother Mary Benedicta-american,Dom Bernard-american. Back Row- Dom Rodrigo-mexican, Dom Gerard-Indian from Bombei India, Dom Jose-(hidden) mexican, Dom Andre-american and my Junior Master and Novice Master too, Dom Joseph-vietnamese, Dom Mayuel-vietnamese, Sister Hilda- Guatemalan, Dom Caedmon- pinoy, Dom Maryon-(observer candidate who is solemnly professed monk from a monastery in Colorado that closed and is now seeking our admission)american, and the two novice monks wearing white habits from Benedictine Monks of Pecos.